


these days just don't make sense without you

by laszlokreizlers



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Kane Chronicles - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Closeted Character, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Racism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Secret Relationship, please stan cartercy, soft boyfriends, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18697207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laszlokreizlers/pseuds/laszlokreizlers
Summary: Carter's always going to remember this kiss. Not just because it’s his first kiss with a guy, but also because this is the first time he’s ever felt… he’s not sure. Like he's wanted. Like he’s accepted. Like he’s attractive.Like he’s needed.





	these days just don't make sense without you

**Author's Note:**

> hi i know no ones gonna read this because only five people ship cartercy but who cares
> 
> heavy inspo from american boyfriend by kevin abstract, especially empty and miserable america
> 
> title from miserable america
> 
> tw// non graphic suicide (mostly a mention), abuse mentions, racism and homophobia mentions

Monday, March 25th

It was hard to reconcile Carter's “home”- a small house that he shared with his sister and his mom- with his home- Percy's bright green eyes and strong arms holding him close. 

It was also hard to reconcile his mother’s homophobia and Percy's stepdad’s racism.

There was nowhere to go for them. No safe spaces. No privacy. Nothing except the locker room after Percy's teammates have left and finally, finally, they can be alone.

But there's only so many times you can make out with your boyfriend in the “privacy” of a locker room until you get bored of it. Until you get needy. Until you want to show him off to the world and shout it from the rooftops that you're the lucky guy who gets to date the one and only Percy Jackson! 

But again. Homophobic mom. Racist stepdad. Who knows what Percy's mom thinks; Percy says she’s never said anything other than “yes, Gabe” and “sorry, Gabe” since she married that asshole. So they're stuck in this endless cycle of not talking to each other at school, barely texting, secret rendezvous in locker rooms after Percy's various sports are done.

Carter doesn't know how he’ll survive the summer. No empty locker rooms during summer. No seeing each other every day during summer. But the few times he’s brought it up, Percy's shushed him with more kisses and a “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

That's the thing about Percy- he’ll talk about anything but their relationship. He could talk for hours about how much he hates his stepdad, or about sports, or about Carter, but as soon as Carter wants to talk about them, Percy shuts it down. He barely talks about himself either. It's like it’s all Carter, all the time.

God, they really need to talk about summer. Carter's freaking out just thinking about it. 

7 more hours until school and baseball practice is over. 7 more hours until Carter can get the hug he so desperately needs.  
_____

Tuesday, August 14th

“Hey- dude- hey.” It's an unfamiliar voice behind Carter. He weighs his options- if he looks over his shoulder, he might see someone he vaguely knows, and then he’ll feel guilty if he kills himself right in front of them. But if he just scoots forward a little bit, just a smidge, it’ll be done before he knows it, and it won't matter who just walked up behind him, because he doesn't know them and now he never will. But something makes him turn around.

And he sees the most gorgeous guy he’s ever going to meet. Not that it matters. Seeing a cute guy with the greenest eyes he’s ever seen isn’t going to stop him from throwing himself off an overpass. 

But then the guy sits next to him. And starts talking. “I’m about to majorly overshare, but I can’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. Not my mom. Not my friends. Not my coach. Is that cool?” 

Carter shrugs. It’s not like he’ll remember it later. As soon as this guy leaves, he’s gonna slip off. 

“My stepdads abusive. And racist. And generally just awful to me and my mom.” The guy sighs. Leans back on his elbows. “I don’t know. I wrote a note, but I can't leave my mom with him. He doesn’t hit her- not yet, anyway, but if I’m gone, he might. I’ve been his punching bag for so long.” Another long sigh. “Anyways. Why are you here?”

It’s not like this guy is gonna call the police. Carter tells him. “To die. My mom’s homophobic. My sister’s too busy with her friends to ever talk or hang out or whatever. My dad's gone. And I’m a gay black kid in a conservative neighborhood.”

The guy whistles long and low. “That… That sucks. God. That’s way worse than mine.”

“It’s not a competition to see who wants to die more…” Carter whispers. 

But the guy still hears. And offers to drive him home. Says he’ll feel guilty if he sees tomorrow that a kid was found on the road tomorrow morning. 

And for some reason, Carter lets him.  
_____

Monday, March 25th

The way their system works: Carter leaves after school, drives his sister home, and works on homework until 4:45. He goes back to school around when Percy's practice for whichever sport he’s doing that season wraps up, hides in a bathroom stall until they're gone. As soon as everyone’s gone, Percy knocks on the stall door, and they have an hour to fool around before the coach yells that he's locking up. And then they have to wait impatiently for other 23 hours to do it all again. Or the whole weekend. Fridays are the worst because they have to do enough kissing for three hours in just one. And then they miss each other all weekend. And barely text.

God, Carter’s lonely.

So when he gets the text that afternoon, the one that says that Percy’s teammates are catching on, and they need to take a break, his heart breaks. He quickly taps out a message about needing to talk before putting his phone down and taking a shower so he can have a quick and private cry before his sister catches him. He usually showers around now anyway, but this time it’s out of necessity (to hide) instead of a want (to smell nice for his boyfriend). He gets out to 4 texts from Percy, apologizing and promising to make it up to him. 

It’s not enough to make out in locker rooms anymore. Carter needs… more.  
_____

Wednesday, August 15th

Carter wakes up with puffy eyes and an Instagram dm. 

Not just any Instagram dm. 

An Instagram dm from Mr. Gorgeous Green Eyes, who gave him a ride home and a fist bump and a “we can do it.” 

He’s not usually the type to check social media first thing in the morning, but maybe part of him was hoping for something like this.

At first, he doesn't recognize the name, but a quick profile stalk reveals that Instagram user percyyjacksonn, formerly known as ‘hot guy with pretty eyes who saved Carter's life,” is a junior at Carter's high school, a three-sport athlete, and committed to the University of Alabama football. His profile, which is public, also shows him at a pride parade with his maybe-friend maybe-girlfriend maybe-sister-who-doesn't-look-like-him.

Instagram user percyyjacksonn, a maybe-taken maybe-queer guy, has dmed Instagram user carter_kane two words: you okay?

 **carter_kane** : been better. you?

seen.  
_____

Tuesday, March 26th

Its day two of what Carter is calling his “Percy drought.” Day two of needing to talk to him.

Day two of feeling wanted.

Day two of not even getting a look in the hallways.

Day two of being left on read.

Day two of not getting kisses and cuddles and-

They can't continue like this.  
_____

Wednesday, August 15th

 **percyyjacksonn** : feeling… meh. stepdad issues again

 **percyyjacksonn** : wanna meet up?

seen.  
_____

Wednesday, March 27th

Day three. Not even a dm to check in.

It feels like the beginning of their relationship all over again, when they wouldn't respond for hours and days and weeks at a time. But this is some warped, twisted version.

Carter hates it.

They can't continue like this.  
_____

Thursday August 16th

 **carter_kane** : I wish. stuck in the house. mom on a work thing and I have to watch my sister. 

**percyyjacksonn** : I could come over if that's cool? idk I just wanna talk

seen.  
_____

Thursday, March 28th

Percy comes to school with a black eye and a cast on his arm. Carter knows exactly who’s to blame.

It takes everything in his power not to run over to Percy and give him a hug and whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

In history, Carter manages to catch Percy's eye and mouth, what happened? 

Percy shakes his head and turns away.

They can't continue like this.  
_____

Sunday, August 19th

 **percyyjacksonn** : we can't continue if you just leave me on seen all the time

 **carter_kane** : I'm sorry

 **carter_kane** : it's just that I don't want my mom to get suspicious

 **percyyjacksonn** : yeah I get it. text me whenever u can no pressure

seen.  
_____

Monday, April 1st

Carter wakes up with puffy eyes and an Instagram dm. 

An Instagram dm from percyyjacksonn.

Three words.  
**percyyjacksonn** :sorry. meet today?

 **carter_kane** : where and when?

 **percyyjacksonn** : usual place

 **percyyjacksonn** : coach knows.

Two words. Sinking heart. Carter can't breathe.

Someone knows.

It's a small town. Small and conservative and suburban. Word travels fast.

His mom could find out.

Percy's step dad could find out.

This is a nightmare.

He can't breathe. He can barely stand up from his bed. Can barely make it to the bathroom to throw up from pure fear and terror.

Someone knows.  
_____

Friday, August 31st

 **carter_kane** : no ones home. wanna hang?

 **percyyjacksonn** : send me ur address  
_____

Monday, April 1st

Has Carter missed being kissed? Yes.

Is he more pissed about being outed to Percy's coach- a teacher, of all people- than pretty much any other emotion? Absolutely.

He doesn't meet Percy's eyes in the hallway. He barely remembers driving to and from school. For the first time since September, he doesn't shower immediately after school.

God, he’s angry. The first time they met, they talked about how Carter's mom was a homophobe and couldn't know he was gay. Soon after they started dating, Percy said that under no circumstances could Gabe find out Percy was friends with, let alone dating, someone who was black.

And yet.

Carter doesn't know what he's going to do. What he's going to say. He feels so betrayed and heartbroken and-

And it's 4:57.

He’s late.

They can’t continue like this.  
_____ 

Friday, August 31st

Carter's always going to remember this kiss. Not just because it’s his first kiss with a guy, but also because this is the first time he’s ever felt… he’s not sure. Like he's wanted. Like he’s accepted. Like he’s attractive.

Like he’s needed.

Because Percy's mouth is burning a trail down Carter’s neck, and Carter lets out a gasp, and-

A car door slams. Percy jerks back. He had been there for less than hour, and they talked for maybe a quarter of it before Carter leaned in. As quickly as they began, they're done, Percy rushing out the back door before Carter’s mom comes in the house and asks Carter to grab the groceries out of the car. He knows there are no marks on his neck or his face, but they still feel like a scarlet letter, showing his mom that he’s exactly the thing she hates.

He gets the groceries and hides in his room for two days.  
_____

Monday, April 1st

Carter arrives after practice ends and gets called into Coach Brunner's office. It’s just as well- he doesn’t want to make up a lame excuse as to why he’s in the locker room so late to Percy's teammates- but he really doesn't want to talk to the coach.

Coach Brunner, a balding middle-aged white guy, is basically the description of the kind of person Carter’s been conditioned to distrust, but the tiny pride flag sticker on the coach’s clipboard eases his mind. Just a little bit. 

“So,” the coach says. “You're the boy staying in the locker room an extra hour?”

“Yes, sir.” He tries to keep the fear out of his voice.

“The boy Jackson's been seeing?”

“Yes, sir.”

Coach sighs. “Come sit down.” Carter's been standing in the doorway the whole time. 

Another sigh. “What's your name, son?”

“Carter. Carter Kane.” He swallows nervously before adding, “sir.”

The coach seems nervous. He’s fidgety, sighing a lot. Glancing around the room, looking anywhere but Carter. “Kane,” Coach starts before he lets out yet another sigh. “Jackson alerted me about your situation with your mom, and I just want to say I'm in your corner. Coming out is hard, especially in a non-accepting family. However.” Of course there’s a catch. “I can't allow the two of you to continue to meet here. PDA is against school rules.”

Carter's not going to cry in the boys locker room, in front of a teacher he had once, over not being able to kiss his boyfriend. “Coach, i- this-” his voice drops to a whisper as he holds back tears. “This is the only place we can meet.” 

So apparently he is going to cry. 

Brunner wordlessly hands him a tissue as someone knocks on the door. A tall bearded guy in half a pegasus costume walks in and asks if he's excused for the day, and also could he maybe not go to practice tomorrow? Brunner waves him off with a “You don't have to come to practice this week, Brendan” before going out the office door and yelling for Percy.

And now Percy's gonna see him crying. For all the dark shit they've talked about, Percy has never seen Carter cry, and Carter wanted to keep it that way. But he can't make the tears stop before Percy walks in. 

“Carter?” The worry in his voice hurts Carter's heart more than the last week of being ignored did.

He struggles to keep his voice even as he scrubs furiously at his eyes. “I’m fine,” he says gruffly.

Percy, clearly unconvinced but unwilling to push it, sits next to him and reaches out under the desk. Carter lets him intertwine their fingers. 

Brunner sits back down across from them. “Percy and I talked last week about your situation. I can’t in good conscience allow you to continue sneaking around at school. Is there really no where else you can go?”

Carter shakes his head. Squeezes Percy’s hand. Tries not to tear up again.

Percy sighs and explains it again, frustration seeping into his otherwise level voice. But there's nothing anyone can do. When the conversation finally ends, Carter’s ready to lock himself in his room and cry for about a year, but he’s only able to cram in two hours of tears before he gets a text. An urgent message. Life or death.

He throws his jacket on backwards.

_____

 

Tuesday, September 4th

Percy Jackson is in Carter Kane’s history class. 

And his math class.

And his English class.

This should be an interesting year.  
_____

Monday, April 1st

On first glance, Ruby Kane looks like a lovely woman- and she is. She was raised in London, is kind to everyone, and she’s gorgeous to boot, but underneath that is a hatred, instilled by that London upbringing. 

Which is why her own son is terrified of her.

And terrified when she stops him on his way out the door.

He makes up a lie about a test he has to study for with his friend Zia- he’s always sure to name her as a friend to keep up Ruby’s suspicion of them dating- and does his best to get out of the house without running or speeding out of the neighborhood.

But he’s too late.

A police officer pushes him back from the scene.

Carter’s gasping, sobbing, screaming for Percy-

But there’s no answer. Just a black body bag down on the street below being loaded into a van.

No one left for Carter. Nothing left. 

He runs.  
_____

Thursday, September 6th

It’s the first time they meet after school, and Percy’s telling Carter that he’s never going to leave him. That he’s going to be there for him, always. Carter makes a stupid joke about marriage, and Percy laughs, and they’re happy. They’re just two kids, dumb and full of life, full of love, and full of promise.  
_____

Saturday, April 20th

Carter can’t even go to the funeral. 

He attended a vigil for him at the school, because that was school, but he’s not going to show up at a private service for a boy no one knows he knew. He’s not going to show up in front of Gabe.

But he does sit outside the church. Its a catholic funeral, which Percy would have hated, but he’s not going to mention that to anyone. 

He’s not sure what he’s waiting for until Percy’s mom walks outside the church in tears. He pushes off the wall and calls out to her. 

As she turns around, Carter sees every memory he’d made with Percy in Mrs. Jackson’s eyes. They’re the same shape, not quite the same color, but just as vibrant as Percy’s had been. She brushes tears out of them quickly as she says in a small voice, “I’m sorry, are you one of Percy’s friends?” she has a kind smile, a brave smile, even with her son burned and in a box.”

“Hi, Mrs. Jackson,” he starts. He has to clear the lump out of his throat before he can continue. “Um, my name is Carter Kane. I was… well, I was Percy’s boyfriend. And I just wanted to say that your son was an amazing person, and I’m truly sorry for your loss.”

Her eyes tear up again. “I… I didn’t even know he was suicidal. Or gay. Or-”

“I didn’t know he was suicidal either Mrs. Jackson, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” he’s about to cry too, but he’s determined to stay strong for Percy’s mom, the way Percy was always strong for him. “And he was bisexual, if it makes any difference.”

She shakes her head. “Was he… was he happy with you, Carter?”

He shrugs. “I thought he was.”

She nods, wipes her eyes, and pulls out a pamphlet from the funeral and a pen. After a quick scribble, she passes it to him. “This is my number. If you ever want to talk, please call me. I’d like to talk about the Percy you knew.”

Carter is astounded. “I- um- wow. Thank you, Mrs. Jackson, but are you sure it’s safe?” he drops his voice down to a whisper. “I know about Gabe, and I don’t want to endanger you.” 

“You know about- Oh. Percy must have told you.” she laughs a little bit. “I’m glad he had someone he could trust. I’ll be fine. But please, call me.”

“Um, okay. Thank you, ma’am.”

She sweeps him into a hug. “Please. Call me Sally.”  
_____

Sunday, April 1st  
Ten years later

Carter doesn’t know why he’s back home.

He hates his hometown. He hates what his life was there. He hates what Percy’s life was there. 

But here he is, standing in front of a wall with a tiny slot with a label on it that reads

_Perseus Jackson_  
August 18, 2002  
through  
April 1, 2019  
Beloved son and friend 

Carter places a red rose on the ground, and adds a note to the bottom.

_Carter Kane’s first love._

He walks to his car. He has lunch with Sally today, and since it’s been eight years since they saw each other in person, he doesn’t want to be late. And with Gabe gone, they can go anywhere and talk about anything. 

He texts his boyfriend to let him know he’s safely landed, and he drives away, towards a good conversation, and a warm embrace, and finally, he feels free.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to leaf, ellis, and lily for beta reading! 
> 
> find me on twitter: twitter.com/nickr0b  
> find me on tumblr: alittlebitmoira.tumblr.com  
> donate to a starving author: venmo milo-edwards-1


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